JeeWeeJ’s guide to puny cruisers…PUNY?!? U WOT M8?!?!

[JeeWeeJ]

 

-Author’s note: this is the censored version of the original text…just imagine colourful words in the <<CENSORED>> tags. Didn't want this post to get Vukked  This guide is a sequel to my Manly guide to Battleships.-

 

 

Ah, more recruits! Welcome, welcome! Good of you to join me! JAMES! BRANDY FOR THESE YOUNG LADS!

*James walks in and hands everyone a glass of the finest and manliest brandy this world has ever seen*

 

Right, now that we are all settled, let me tell you about the glorious manliness that is battleships! Forget about those dastardly and pitifull destroyers, those aircraft spamming abominations or even those puny crui…

*door slams open*

U <<CENSORED>>  WOT M8?!?!?!

*sigh* Ah, my dear brother Charles, how nice of you to join us…

U DARE CALL CRUISERS PUNY YOU <<CENSORED>> <<CENSORED>>?!?!? I SWEAR ON ME MUM I’LL STOMP YOU GOOD!

OUR mum, Charles, OUR mum. For god’s sake, at least try and speak the Queen’s language properly!

<<CENSORED>> THE QUEEN! And what’s this you guys are drinking *sniffs* brandy?? BRANDY?!?!? REAL MEN DRINK BEER! DRINK BEER! SAIL FAST! DIE YOUNG! LEAVE A <<CENSORED>> HANDSOME WRECK!

Charles, no need for shouting, we’re right here…and that beer belly of yours is hardly something worthy of the term “handsome”…

I’M NOT <<CENSORED>> SHOUTING!!!!!!

Dear lord, and mind your language for Christ’s sake!

Eeeeeeehw, did I offend his holiness’s sense of language?? Did it get your manly beard in a twist? Well…<<CENSORED>> YOU!

That’s it! Charles, I’m afraid you have to leave! JAMES! Remove this repulsive person calling himself my brother!

*James walks in, mauser in hand*

Very good sir, sir Charles, would you be so kind to follow me?

Eeeehw, vewwy well ser…<<CENSORED>> YOU!

*James gets smacked on the head with a conveniently placed folding chair, instantly going KO*

JAMES! Charles, this is truely despicable of you!

Aaaaaahw “despwikabwe” HERE HAVE SOME MORE OF YOU MANLY-BRANDY!

 

*Mr. Manly gets instaKO’ed by a Manly bottle of Manly-Brandy to the head*

RIGHT! So you puny little bastards think you’re “manly” eh? Too good for anything smaller than a “manly battleship”, eh? WELL! LET ME SHOW YOU THE ERROR OF YOUR <<CENSORED>> WAYS!

But first…BEER! JAMES! WE NEED…oh…right, he’s KO. Well luckily I’ve got me private supply with me!

 

*Empties a can of beer in one go*

 

Aaaah, much better! Right! So, mister “manly” here was going to tell you about how “manly” battleships are, right? Well..HE’S <<CENSORED>> WRONG! Never forget: battleships are for those who need to compensate for a lack of something, destroyers are for those unable to afford anything bigger and carriers…well, the bearded idiot was right about those. We do NO talk about carriers!

 

What about cruisers, you ask? Cruisers, my friends, are like a cold pint of beer after a hard day at work. There are many kinds and come in all shapes and sizes, but when used at the right place and time…it’s like <<CENSORED>> MAGIC!

 

Some say that cruisers are a jack-of-all-trades-master-of-none kind of ship and they, sadly, aren’t wrong about this. No, we do not have the big guns, no we do not have the endless layers of armor protection, no we do not have a gazillion torpedo launchers, but we DO have fast firing guns of up to 8” in size, and we can carry A <<CENSORED>> LOT OF THEM! We do have some armor to keep cruiser sized shells on the outside of our ship and we usually DO have torpedo launchers…well, except some ships the Yanks designed…silly colonials.

 

First off, let’s get a few things out of the way: we have four types of cruisers – protected cruisers, armored cruisers, light cruisers and heavy cruisers. There are also battlecruisers but those are for the cruiser captains which were hit in the dingly bits and now have a need to compensate…if you know what I mean!

So, armored cruisers and protected cruisers are older types. Protected cruisers only have an armored deck in terms of protection, while armored cruisers are also blessed with an armored belt. Examples of these ships are the Russian Aurora (pronounced: Aurarararararara), which is a protected cruiser, while the St. Louis is an armored cruiser. These older types are usually bristling with guns, and having more guns is <<CENSORED>> GOOD!

 

Then there are light and heavy cruisers. The definition of these was thought up during the formulation of the various naval treaties. Short version of it: light cruisers have guns up to 6” in size, heavy cruisers have guns up to 8” in size. The term light or heavy cruiser says NOTHING over how much armor can be bolted onto the ship, especially late USN light cruisers had protection of a comparable level of that of heavy cruisers. So don’t let the name fool you.

 

So, on to the good stuff!

 

ALL THE <<CENSORED>> DAKKA!

Did I say that cruisers can carry lots of guns? No? WELL, THEY <<CENSORED>> CAN! The current record holder of number of guns at this point is the Mogami, which can carry no less than fifteen 155mm guns! And is that a good thing? YOU BET YOUR SORRY [edited]IT IS! An old and wise man once said “moar dakka is the best kind of dakka!” and “there is no substitute for a large number of guns!”. Now, it’s not all fine and dandy though. While we generally have a lot of guns, they tend to be rather on the small-ish size. Sure, those silly Germans had their panzerschiffe, technically heavy cruisers, with 11” guns, but those were pretty much the exception to the rule. So, we have a lot of small guns, what else do we have? Well…RATE OF MOTHER<<CENSORED>> FIRE BI…eeeh…”sexy ladies”?

Destroyers might say that they have the advantage in Rate of Fire (RoF), but no ship class can lay down a rain of lead as a cruiser can! Our ships can fire broadsides which would put F-ing Nelson to shame or can even look like machineguns when used correctly! We can out-DPS pretty much everything out there! Our alpha damage might be so-so, but we make up for it in sheer numbers! Didn’t hit that magazine of that ugly battleship? FIRE AGAIN! Missed again? YOU SCRUB! CLEAN THE TOILET I JUST BEFOULED…AND THEN FIRE AGAIN!!!!!!

 

Anyway, you guys get the point. We can usually fire two to three salvos for every one salvo a BB can fire at you. Use that to your advantage! Hit true! And while we cannot hit hard, HIT A <<CENSORED>> LOT!

 

So, that covers the guns…but that’s not all! We’re cruiser captains! We’re versatile! WE HAVE BLOODY TORPEDOES TO THROW AT OUR FOES! What do you mean, the American ships don’t? STOP INTERRUPTING ME!

So, yes, torpedoes! Especially the Japanese cruisers…well…actually all the cruisers from all naval powers EXCEPT THE U.S OF <<CENSORED>> A (in general, there are exceptions) have torpedo launchers. And this is a GOOD thing! While they may reload slower than those on a DD, it gives us options. We can cover our retreat with a few spreads of torps, we can give larger targets some surprise underwater penetration when our shells might fail to penetrate the armor…and it just looks awesome! Just do NOT forget that you have them! Proper use of your torpedoes makes the difference between an average cruiser captain and a GOOD cruiser captain!

 

But them yanks lack these torpedoes, don’t they? So what do they have that compensates for it? AA guns. A <<CENSORED>> LOT OF AA GUNS! Especially ships like the Cleveland, Baltimore and Des Moines can lay down a wall of AA fire that puts all other ships to shame. Do you like lots of DAKKA-DAKKA? Go and protect those nutjobs in BBs and protect their sorry asses from those pesky aircraft…and be sure to enjoy the fireworks! (enjoyed best in combination with a cool beer)

 

So, that covers the weapons…what else do we have?

 

Oh, right… SPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!!!!

 

With the exception of the older protected and armored cruisers, cruisers are built to go fast. We might not match the speed of those speedfreaks in Destroyers, but we have enough of it to…tactically withdraw from anything that is a big threat to us. Combine this with some good manoeuvrability and you’re good to go! Keep your speed up and start zigzagging randomly LIKE A <<CENSORED>> BOSS to evade incoming shells.

 

What else do we have? Hmm…well, the sexy looks are obvious, ofcourse…

 

Let me finish by covering some info on ships worthy of note, some tips and some basic cruiser tactics

 

St. Louis/Aurora

These ships can only be described with one name <<CENSORED>> GOD! They have a eight-gun broadside out of a total of fourteen guns! Load these bitches up with AP and tear anything, cruiser or battleship, to shreds! DD’s ruining your view? Load up the HE and blow those suckers to smithereens!

 

Phoenix

Phoenix is an odd one, with her stock hull and first two upgrades she’s mediocre at best. She lacks the guns, and doesn’t have torpedoes with enough range to be effective. She is a fast one, though! However, get the last upgrade and your broadside gets a lot heavier! In her final form she’s a joy to sail in, you just have to undergo some torture before you get there.

 

Aoba

Aoba, in the current state of affairs, is a form of torture that puts <<CENSORED>> 50 shades of grey to shame! She lacks armor, she lacks a large number of guns…but she does have six 8” guns in a feeble attempt to compensate! Combine this with being put on the same tier as Cleveland and you’re royally <<CENSORED>>!...or are you? Aoba is HARD-MODE, only enjoyed by the most manly of men! Yes you are a <<CENSORED>> goldfish in a sea of sharks…BUT YOU’RE A <<CENSORED>> GOLDFISH WITH <<CENSORED>>-ING LAZORBEAMS STRAPPED TO YOUR HEAD!

When aimed properly those 8” guns will HURT LIKE <<CENSORED>>! There is nothing more satisfying than sinking a Cleveland with an Aoba! It just takes a certain kind of person to enjoy it…usually dressed in skin-tight leather outfits…and with a fetish for whips.

 

Cleveland

Oh Cleveland…you’re so OP with your twelve rapid-firing 6” guns and wall of AA guns. Cleveland is a dirty pleasure which should be placed a few tiers higher…but just be sure to enjoy it while you can. Just do it…

 

Mogami

So I said cruisers were versatile, right? Well, Mogami is THE example of this fact. She can be armed with no less than fifteen 155mm guns, or ten 230mm’s, giving you the choice between a rapid firing rainstorm of small-ish shells, or a good broadside of lazors that, like those on Aoba, HURT LIKE <<CENSORED>>! Then you have four banks (two on each broadside) of triple torpedo launchers and you’re good to go!

 

Des Moines

This thing…is an abomination. It’s so bad…that it’s good. Nine 8” guns, which fire a salvo EVERY FIVE <<CENSORED>> SECONDS! Want a rain of metal death? Take a Des Moines!

 

Tactics/tips

DD’s are the natural foodsource for a cruiser. You are fast enough to intercept them, or at least scare them away. Do not leave that job for the BBs, those big-gunned morons are generally incompetent when it comes to DD swatting. So, load up on HE and start blasting away at these vermin!

 

When fighting cruisers, it’s all fair game! But always take into consideration what ship he’s sailing. Does he out-DPM you? Stay at range where shells are easier to dodge. Do you out-DPM him? Close the range and blast him to bits! Does he have torps? Keep a good eye out for them! This might seem logical, but it’s easy to forget.

 

The big hunt: fighting Battleships! Ah, these beasts be a worthy foe! Never, ever, EVER! forget that it may only take one or two good broadsides from a BB to send you to the dark below. NEVER get into close range, as his secondaries will tear you apart. Stay at range, keep performing evasive manoeuvres, pepper his hull with AP and pray to whatever god you like for a critical hit in his magazines. Others prefer to start by using HE to set him on fire and then switch to AP, be sure to experiment with this and find your own preferred tactic. Just NEVER forget your torps, your speed and your manoeuvrability and then, with equal parts of luck and skill, you’ll sink the blasted compensationist!

 

Last but not least…carriers! The big hunt for the unloved and despised! Hunting carriers varies from which class you’re facing. Most are slower than you, some are actually capable of outrunning you. No matter which you face, once they realise that you’re coming for them, they’ll throw everything they have at you. Remember, the barrage function is your friend! Dodge those torps and boms, close in and blast the fool to Sunny Siberia™!

 

Speaking of AA, beside hunting targets cruisers are exceptionally good at providing AA cover. We actually have the “Barrage Fire” skill that improves our AA gunnery for a short while and has the added effect of enemy bomber squadrons being unable to launch or drop their payload accurately. Are you in a division with a BB or CV and the enemy team has more carriers? Stick to your buddy and he’ll thank you later. If he doesn’t, shoot the bugger for he was clearly unworthy of your time.

 

 

Well, that was about it…I see that my dear brother is coming around, so I’ll leave you in his intensive care…get it? Intesive care? No? Darn it, you guy clearly need more beer!

 

Anyway, never forget! Cruiser love is good love and DRINK BEER! SAIL FAST! DIE YOUNG! LEAVE A <<CENSORED>> HANDSOME WRECK!

 

[OVanBruce]

To be honest, this wasn't as good as the BB one. You bave no problems depicting the attitude of the aristocratic BB captain because he wouldn't be much different from an old junker in the prussian army teaching the perks of his trade to a n young officer.

 

But this just not feel as acomplished. You could have tried using the nationality card and made the cruiser captain something like a french corsair talking all the time about Elan, swiftness and such.

[RusNo1Conscript]

St. Louis click click..... fireee click c'mon reload reload! i title this ship STRONK...  this guide ewh is quite "helpful" 

[ThunderTrrack]

Newbie question - is there any way to force Cleveland's 127mm guns to shoot airplanes? They should be able to do so, their description says that their AA fire range is 5.0 km, but I never saw them shooting any enemy planes.

I know that I can assign prioroty targets to my secondary guns by ctrl+LMB clicking on intended target, but it also doesn;t seem to work for planes. Any advice? Am I doing anything wrong?

[JeeWeeJ]

AA is an automated system. I personally have seen them fire, might have something to do with your graphical settings? (I believe most of the AA animations are visible at High settings and above)

Nevertheless, as I understood it every ship has a certain AA strength at certain ranges and angles (depending on the ranges of guns and gun placement). Wether or not you see just one puff of smoke or a sky blackened by them, the AA will do its work at said "strength" automatically. There is no other way to force it.

[ThunderTrrack]

I don't think this is the case, I'm checking the stats fter every battle and my secondary guns always do 0 dmg of any type. I see smaller caliber AA guns shooting,only the 127mm ones never do a thing.

[Makoniel]

You need to select your target with ctrl to activate the DP guns. Otherwise they indeed don't activate. 

[ThunderTrrack]

Ok, how do I do it? I tried to aim at the planes within range in binoculars mode and press ctrl+LMB but it doesn't seem to work. Should I do it in normal view mode?

[Makoniel]

Do it in normal view mod to be sure (an icon must appear above the targeted squadron). The DP guns doesn't have any firing animation except urning toward the target. 

[armholeeio]

To be honest the old navy salts would be swigging rum or navy strength gin, but a informative peace anyways

[mathew112]

AA is automatic, still you can turn it off with 'p'. You can set a preference target for bigger efect with Ctrl+mouseclick.

[Scarecrow_ita]

Thank you very much for this guide. I laughed my <<CENSORED>> off.