Royal Navy funny signals

[Combat_Hamster]

A long time  ago  I read a  book called  'Make Another Signal' ,  which contained  a  lot of funny messages sent  by the RN.  I have  found  some of these on the net,  together  with some  anecdotes.  for  people's amusement.  I hope  you enjoy.

 

 Skaggerak, World War I. British Light Cruiser force in line astern, on a "sweep" in hazy weather, receives signal from lead ship:

"ENEMY BATTLESHIP BEARING NNE DISTANCE 2 MILES. AM PREPARING TO RAM"

-Later...: "CANCEL MY LAST SIGNAL. BATTLESHIP TURNS OUT TO BE A LIGHTHOUSE"


-  From submarine (returning from patrol), to base:

"EXPECT TO ARRIVE 1800 IF FRIENDLY AIRCRAFT WILL STOP BOMBING ME."

 

-  From Coastguard Station:

 

"A SMALL BOAT APPEARS TO BE STATIONARY OFF BROADSTAIRS 3/4 MILE. THE MILITARY HAVE BEEN FIRING AT IT BUT GET NO REPLY"

 

From Admiralty to Admiral Commanding Orkneys and Shetlands:

"PYROTECHNICS SIMULATING FLASH OF TRAMWAY TROLLEY BUSES NOW AVAILABLE FOR CAMOUFLAGE PURPOSES. REPORT NUMBER REQUIRED."

-Reply, from Admiral Commanding Orkneys and Shetlands: 
"NIL.WE HAVE NO TRAMS"

 

From Senior Officer after inspecting small ship;

"STANDING ORDERS PROVIDE FOR OVERALLS BEING WORN FOR DIRTY WORK ON BOARD IN WHICH CATEGORY I DO NOT INCLUDE AN INSPECTION BY ME"

 

From a dissatisfied Admiral during an exercise, to a private ship:

"WOULD IT NOT HAVE BEEN BETTER TO TURN TO STARBOARD"

Reply: "YES"

 

Admiral, conducting bombardment to remainder of Battle Squadron:

"WHO KNOCKED THAT LIGHTHOUSE DOWN AND WHY"

 

Destroyer DIAMOND has just collided with Cruiser SWIFTSURE. The destroyer was technically in the wrong:

Swiftsure: "WHAT DO YOU INTEND TO DO NOW"


Diamond : "BUY A FARM"

 

From personal friend of Imperious Admiral, after falling from his barge into the sea:

"I AM SURPRISED THAT A MAN OF YOUR EXPERIENCE SHOULD ATTEMPT TO DO WHAT ONLY ONE MAN HAS DONE BEFORE-WALK ASHORE"

 

 

Between two Atlantic convoy escorts:

-1st ship: "COMMENCE HOSTILITIES WITH JAPAN"

-2nd ship; "PERMISSION TO FINISH BREAKFAST FIRST"

 

A ship was carrying out low level A.A. practice at a "drogue" target supposed to be at 2,000 feet. The pilot had obviously not read the orders for the exercise, and for an hour he flew up and down and over the ship at 5,000 feet. Finally, the aircraft signaled:

"I AM AT 5,000 FEET.SHALL I COME DOWN"

Reply: "IT WOULD BE QUICKER IF I CAME UP TO YOU"

 

Two Canadian destroyers approached a semi-frozen anchorage. The first barged her way through, anchored;

-1st ship: "ABIE, ABIE, ABIE MY BOY WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR NOW"

-2nd ship: "ICEHOLES"

 

Winter,1940: When WRENS were buying up all available serge to make trousers, a Commander in Chief made the signal:

"WRENS CLOTHING IS TO BE HELD UP UNTIL THE NEEDS OF THE SEAGOING PERSONNEL HAVE BEEN SATISFIED"

 

From Vice-Admiral(Air), to carrier GLORIOUS:


" I PROPOSE INCORPORATING IN A LETTER OF PROCEEDINGS, HEARD ON THE R/T FROM GLADIATORS PATROL, THIS AFTERNOON-TALLY HO TALLY HO I SEE THE BAST**DS. THIS ALLEGATION ON THE PARENTAGE OF THE CREW OF THE JUNKERS 87 ATTACKED WAS PROVED TO BE UNFOUNDED WHEN THEY WERE SUBSEQUENTLY RESCUED."

 

From Admiral to ship:

"WHILST AFLOAT WITH MY FLAG FLYING I PASSED YOUR SHIP AT 1250. IT REMINDED ME OF AN AVIARY WITH THE SHIPS COMPANY SITTING ON THE RAILS WITH TAILS TOWARDS ME LIKE BIRDS ON A TWIG"
 

1914-18 War. CYCLAMEN to Vice Admiral, Malta. (after sinking Allied Italian Submarine mistaken for a U-boat):

"HAVE RAMMED AND SUNK ENEMY SUBMARINE. SURVIVORS APPEAR TO SPEAK ITALIAN"

 

after the battle of Jutland:

"JOIN ME.WHERE AM I"

 

From destroyer to unknown Trawler:

"WHAT IS THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THAT SIGNAL YOU ARE FLYING"

-From Trawler:

"REGRET I DONT KNOW. FLAGS SMELT OF FISH"

 

In World War I, before the days of carriers and patrolling aircraft, an American battle squadron was at sea, in close formation, towing kite balloons:

-U.S.S Texas to U.S.S New York:

"PLEASE ASK YOUR BALLOON OBSERVER TO STOP PI$$ING ON MY NAVIGATOR"

 

From Base to Trooping Carrier:

"CAN YOU FRIEGHT 12 LIVE SOMALI SHEEP FROM ADEN TO CEYLON"

-Reply: "SHIP WILL ONLY BE STOPPING OFF COLOMBO TO DISEMBARK OFFICERS.CONSIDER IT WOULD BE INAPPROPRIATE TO LAND SHEEP ON SAME BOAT"

 

From the Archives of Australian Military History comes a signal that proves, once and for all, whenever needed, whatever the emergency, "AUSTRALIA will be THERE!"**  

- Naval Officer, Mersa Matruh. (after port was first re-opened)........


 "SOME GENIUS HAS SENT 1,000 AUSTRALIANS HERE. THEY ARE SITTING ON THE PIER SHOUTING FOR FOOD. I HAVE NO FOOD, NO SHIPS, NO STORES, NO TRANSPORT, NO INSTRUCTIONS, NO REPLIES TO MY SIGNALS. SITUATION IS IMPOSSIBLE" 

-Reply from Rear admiral, Alexandria:
"DONT LET THEM EAT YOU REPEAT YOU. HELP IS ON THE WAY"  

(**note- Chorus to popular war-time Aussie song)

 

From TERROR(very old), to PROTECTOR, off Sidi Barrani, 1941:

"AM PROCEEDING AT FULL SPEED TO YOUR ASSISTANCE. MY SPEED IS 4 KNOTS"
 

Not a signal but a telephone conversation between a junior officer in the aft ends of a "K" class submarine and his CO, the sub being on diving trials:
"I say, sir, my end's diving! What's your end doing?"

 

From ship to submarine:

-"PLEASE SEND YOUR TECHNICAL EXPERT TO SEE OUR FOREMOST GUN."

reply- "OUR TECHNICAL EXPERT CAN SEE YOUR FOREMOST GUN FROM HERE."
 

From senior officer to submarine (apparently in difficulties):

-"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

reply- "LEARNING A LOT."

 

Dover patrol, French destroyer operating with British destroyer. Enemy sighted by the British one afternoon and both immediately gave chase. French destroyer kept up for a bit, then dropped rapidly astern in a cloud of steam and smoke.
From French destroyer to British Ally:....-

"CAN GO NO MORE...BOILER GO BANG"

 

From Fleet Air Arm Commander on carrier to airborne squadrons who are not obeying instructions:

"THIS IS MASTER QUOTING HEBREWS CHAPTER 12 VERSE 8. I QUOTE: BUT IF YE BE WITHOUT CHASTISEMENT WHEREOF ALL ARE PARTAKERS THEN ARE YE BASTARDS. UNQUOTE. I SAY AGAIN BASTARDS. OUT"  
 

From one corvette to another in the middle of an Atlantic gale:

-"HAVE JUST SEEN DOWN YOUR FUNNEL. FIRE IS BURNING BRIGHTLY."  

From cruiser to Admiral:

-MY SEAPLANE IS OUT OF ACTION DUE TO SEAGULLS STROPPING THEIR BEAKS ON FABRIC."  
 

On a Russian convoy, May 1942, a USSR gunboat collides with HMS "Harrier"...The following signal sent from gunboat:

-"I AM SORRY WHAT INJURED YOUR SHIP BY APPROACH TO BOARD FOR WHAT I MUST BEG PARDON. WE ARE PROUD OF STAUNCHNESS AND COURAGE ENGLISH SEAMENS OUR ALLIES."   

 

Ships sailing in thick fog:
Senior officer to escort: "I hope you find necessary facilities in Belfast".
Escort to SO: "Hope I find Belfast".

 

From Flag Officer Gibraltar: "Small round object sighted 180 degrees 5 miles from Europa Point. Probably mine".
From Flag Officer Force H: "Certainly not mine".

 

 

From cruiser to flotilla upon discovering they were lost in bad weather AND in an enemy minefield:
"What do you consider our position, other than precarious?"

 

"SOS SOS SOS Maid of Cork. Sinking".

 

Admiral Somerville had a noted sense of humour. At the bombardment of Genoa HMS Malaya was, as usual, flying the Malayan flag as she was a gift from Malaya in WW1. The Malayan flag closely resembled the P&O shipping line.
Somerville to HMS Malaya after her second salvo: "You look like an enraged P&O".
 

Gunboats on a Chinese river with notorious navigation hazards.
The lead ship got around the bend but the second did not follow.
Lead ship signalled: "What is the delay?"
Second ship: "Regret have become a semi permanent feature of the Chinese landscape".
 

 

The Bible was much used for signalling in the Royal Navy.
Submarine returning from war patrol: "Psalm 17. Verse 4"

("Concerning the works of men by the words of thy lips I have kept me from the paths of the destroyers")

 

In WW1 HMS Essex was patrolling off the US coast. A foreign vessel was making a complete hash of a signal in Morse code. A US shore station cut in with: "Now try the other foot".
 

Two destroyers met after a storm. One had been dismasted by the gale.
"How come?"
Reply: "Scraping under very low cloud".
 

Corvette to passing MTB: "Good luck".
Reply: "Thanks. Actually we rely on skill".

 

The Cold War Soviet fleet had a sense of humour. HMS Londonderry was chasing a Soviet vessel and the Soviet vessel was pulling away.
The Soviet signalled in halting English: "You are lagging behind. Recommend you connect additionally a washing machine to the shaft of your ship".
HMS Londonderry replied: "I am running on washing machines at this speed. My main engines are still in reserve".

 

The former Soviet navy regarded the Black Sea as a private lake and disliked naval intrusions. In the early 1960s a British destroyer flotilla entered the Black Sea and the Russians rushed some cruisers out at high speed and closed in...
Russian cruisers signalled urgently: "What are you doing in the Black Sea?"
Reply: "Twenty-one knots". 

 

A Soviet 'trawler' had been shadowing a NATO exercise for several days taking notes and gathering SIGINT.

As the ships queued up to refuel a British frigate signalled her: "Do you require refuelling?"

Reply: "Not if your exercise finishes on time".

 

 

ONE FOR OUR TRANS-ATLANTIC COUSINS

 

STRATEGIC PERFECTION ...


The U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides) as a combat
vessel carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers
and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators (fresh water distillers).

However, let it be noted that according to her log, "On
July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston
with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600
gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600
pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum."

 

 

Her mission:
"To destroy and harass English shipping."

Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300
gallons of rum.

Then she headed for the Azores, arriving there 12 November. She provisioned
with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.

On 18 November, she set sail for England.

In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war
and captured and scuttled 12 English merchantmen,
salvaging only the rum aboard each.

By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted.
Nevertheless, and though unarmed, she made a night
raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland. Her landing party
captured a whiskey distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt
Scotch aboard by dawn.

Then she headed home.

The U.S.S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799, with no
cannon shot, no food, no powder, NO rum, NO wine, NO whiskey and 38,600 (of 48,600) gallons of stagnant water.

GO USN! ( dry my arse )

 

 

American intelligence predicted that an IJN submarine, I-1, would make a resupply run to Guadalcanal on the night of January 29, 1943. Consequently, two RNZN corvettes, Kiwi and Moa, were ordered to intercept her. The I-boat showed up right on schedule, and a couple of depth charge attacks quickly knocked out here engines and forced her to the surface.

The Japanese captain gamely attempted a gun action which accomplished nothing other than the death of his first string gun crews, whereupon Lt. Commander Bridson, commanding the Kiwi, ordered up full speed and pointed her bow at I-1. The Kiwi's engineer quickly objected to the tactic (possibly noting the I-boat was almost twice as long and three times as heavy as his corvette), but Bridgson replied, "Shut up! There's a weekend's leave in Auckland dead ahead of us." Kiwi struck the I-boat, holing her, and then backed off.

Seeing his tactic work once, Bridson decided to ram a second time, crying "Hit her again! It'll be a week's leave!" This second attempt only struck a glancing blow, so with a new motto of "Once more for a fortnight!" Bridson ran Kiwi OVER the hull of I-1, causing her to spurt out oil. Satisifed that the I-1 was doomed and with his own guns now too hot to fire, Bridson withdrew Kiwi to let Moa finish up the IJN sub, though not before the Japanese had tried their own hand at ancient naval tactics.

With the Nipponese captain and gun crew all dead or wounded and the Kiwi already in the process of converting herself into a ram, the I-boat's navigator rushed down the ladder into the conning tower crying "Swords, Swords!" This unusual command resulted in the first lieutenant and then the navigator himself emerging on deck with edged weapons in hand. When the Kiwi tried to ram the I-boat again, the navigator, a famous swordsman in Japan, jumped at the New Zealand corvette with the evident intent to board and capture her single-handly. Fortunately for all concerned, he misjudged his leap, and succeded only in briefly capturing a small section of the Kiwi's railing. He was later captured himself by the Moa.

 

some British OFR's:
Quote

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

- I would not breed from this Officer.

- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definitely won't-be.

- When she opens her mouth, it seems only to change whichever foot was
previously in there.

- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire
satisfaction.

- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

- Technically sound, but socially impossible.

- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope always spinning around
at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since
then he has aged considerably.

- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to
port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

 

- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them

- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

- This Officer should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.

- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap.

- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

- Only occasionally wets himself under pressure.

 

Non biblical Signal. Dreadnought and Submarine. Heading out to sea on excersise. Dreadnought to Sub " I am making 23 knots care to join me? .Reply from sub to Dreadnought " I am about to dive! you care to join me" 

 

commenting on a wren's  trousers"I have not seen that much material since full power trials on HMS Victory"

About stupid people"if brains was windowlene he would not have enough to clean the starboard monocle on a sea horses AGR"

 

Anybody know any more?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[piritskenyer]

Excellent post, made my morning, thank you.

[Kevbar]

Priceless, was reading them out to Mrs Kevbar and both laughing.

 

"Boiler go bang"!!

[Historynerd]

The Italian submarine sunk by mistake in WWI was the Guglielmotti, by HMS Cyclamen, on 10 March 1917.

 

Nice post! Really funny!

 

The only similar (and remotely funny) thing about the Regia Marina that I know is when then-Captain Alberto Da Zara made a remark to Admiral Cavagnari (Chief of Staff of the Navy, and a no-nonsense kind of guy) about the "suocera" (the mother-in-law in Italian). Cavagnari didn't know what he was talking about, since it had been years since he had had a seagoing command, and Da Zara explained him that it was the nickname the sailors had for the admiral who came to inspect the ship, nosy and unwelcome.

[Kevbar]

This actually happened while I was on board in approx '03. Allegedly it made the papers although I have never found it, but if I do....

 

We were surfaced and navigating through the Straits of Gibraltar but there was a lot of fog patches around, therefore, the boat was at Fog Routine (extra manning in certain areas) which necessitated either the Captain or the Exec Officer (aka The Jimmy) to be 'up top' with the OOW (Officer of the Watch) and the lookouts. At the time in question it was the Captain up top. There was quite a lot of shipping around and foghorns were being sounded accordingly.

 

The young lookout said to the Captain "that's a loud one Sir, must be pretty big"

Captain replies "you tend to find that the louder they are, the smaller they are!"

 

Very shortly after while I was in the engine room came the full main broadcast "Standby Collision, Emergencency Stations, Emergency Stations..." etc etc.

Bulkheads were shutdown, ventilation was crash stopped and all other necessary actions were flawlessly carried out. What happened was that a relatively large freighter had cut across our course and passed astern of us by approx 50 metres. Now, considering that the submarine is approximately 100m long, you can see how close this was.

 

Back on the bridge when everthing had calmed down, the Captain asked "Did anyone get the name of that ship?"

.. to which the lookout replied "Got its name? I got its f*%king draught marks!!"

 

 

[Yuzral]

One legendary signal apparently came from an RN officer at the end of his "Perisher" test.  When asked his opinion of the exercise, the reply was simply "Hebrews 13:8" - "Jesus Christ: the same yesterday, today and forever.".  Coming from an officer who had likely been dodging simulated attacks for three days straight, all it really needs is a slight tweak to the punctuation...

 

 

[Combat_Hamster]

lovely,  keep  them  coming........non  naval  ones   I  can  remember....being a  History  teacher  you come across  these  from time to  time:

 

Molotov  is  speaking  to  Hitler,  or  rather  listening to him  rant  during  a  British air-raid  on  Berlin...

.Hitler  screams  "I tell you  Britain  is  finished!"

 

Molotov  responds "If that is the case, whose bombs are those and why are we hiding under the table"

 

Spanish ambassador  about  Queen Elizabeth 1

 

"She is an amazing woman, she has a bath twice a year" ( whether she needs it or not )

 

A Union  General, unaware that the Confederates  had  just got a delivery of Armstrong rifles...

 

"It's ok lads, they couldn't hit an elephant at this dist......"

 

B. Disraeli about  William  Gladstone..

 

"If  Mr. Gladstone were to fall into the Thames that would be a calamity, if someone was to them pull him out it would be a disaster"

 

Some  from Erwin  Rommel:

 

Men are basically smart or dumb and lazy or ambitious. The dumb and ambitious ones are dangerous and I get rid of them. The dumb and lazy ones I give mundane duties. The smart ambitious ones I put on my staff. The smart and lazy ones I make my commanders.

 

In the absence of orders, go find something and kill it.

If I had to take hell, I would use the Australians to take it and the New Zealanders to hold it.

 

The German soldier has impressed the world, however the Italian Bersagliere soldier has impressed the German soldier.

 

For me, soldiers are all equal. Those black people wore your same uniform, fought on your side, and so you will be in the same jail.

 

Hermann Goering

 

The Americans cannot build aeroplanes. They are very good at refrigerators and razor blades.
 

Stalin

 

A sincere diplomat is like dry water or wooden iron.
 

Churchill

 

When someone says to me, Ugh, you smoke. I reply, Ugh, you're ugly. I can quit smoking.

 

The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

 

Golf. Trying to knock a tiny ball into an even smaller hole with implements ill suited to the purpose.

 

( my dad used to call golf  'cross-country hockey)

 

Christopher Columbus was the first socialist: he didn?t know where he was going, he didn?t know where he was? and he did it all at taxpayers expense.

 

Our dog chases people on a bike. We've had to take it off him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[txtspeak]

When someone says to me, Ugh, you smoke. I reply, Ugh, you're ugly. I can quit smoking.

this quote is actually wrong,

it's "Ugh, your drunk. I reply, Ugh, your ugly but I will be sober in the morning

[Historynerd]

this quote is actually wrong,

it's "Ugh, your drunk. I reply, Ugh, your ugly but I will be sober in the morning

 

Wasn't that attributed to Sir Winston Churchill?

[Bismarck_chan]

Awesome!

[MrFingers]

Two destroyers met after a storm. One had been dismasted by the gale.
"How come?"
Reply: "Scraping under very low cloud".

 

I lost it here

[txtspeak]

 

Wasn't that attributed to Sir Winston Churchill?

 

Churchill

 

When someone says to me, Ugh, you smoke. I reply, Ugh, you're ugly. I can quit smoking.

Yeah, the poster said as much

[piritskenyer]

Anyone has any more?

[Historynerd]

How about the signals that was used whenever the USS William D. Porter (DD-579) appeared?

 

That destroyer was at the center of an accident when, on 14 November 1943, she accidentally fired a torpedo at the USS Iowa... who had the President (Mr. Roosevelt himself) on board.

 

So, what was the signal that would be hoisted upon seeing the unlucky destroyer?

 

"DON'T SHOOOT! WE'RE REPUBLICANS!"

[Drago99]

This is true as I was there.....

 

Sailing in the Western Atlantic in '89 or '90 (probably '89) in HMS Sheffield. We carried a flight of 2 Lynx Helicopters and were conducting Flying Operations with both airborne at the same time.  As Operations officer, I happened to be on the bridge when we encountered the USS John F Kennedy travelling in the opposite direction at a distance of about 5 miles.  My Captain "Signalman....make by light to the Kennedy, I have launched my air group, request you launch yours."  Signal was acknowledged but no reply was received.

 

My favourite from WWII, was the submarine escorting a convoy on the surface. Submarine to Convoy Escort Commander... "In the event of enemy surface action, intend remaining on the surface"  Response from escort commander "So do I".

[PixelMK]

That was funny i like it! 

[Kevbar]

Not a funny signal but an amusing article I just read via a historical British naval site (not as stated at the bottom where it was originally posted)

 

'The United States Navy used to require officers to foot their own expenses when taking up new appointments and file for reimbursement at their new ship or establishment. It could then take several months before these expenses were paid to the individual.

In August 1870 Lt. Cdr JP Fyffe received orders to assume command of a frigate based in San Francisco; his current appointment was in East London, Connecticut. He did not think it right that his moving expenses should come out of his own pocket. Lt. Cdr Fyffe therefore sent a letter to the Secretary of the Navy requesting that the Navy either advance him the money or supply him with railroad tickets or provide passage to San Francisco via a navy vessel. The reply from the Chief of Bureau of Navigation informed Fyffe “Your request is contrary to Navy regulations. Carry out your orders” The orders also stated: “Whilst carrying out these orders, you will keep the Bureau informed of your whereabouts”. There was nothing in his orders that stated when he was to arrive in San Francisco or by what means.

At sunrise on the morning of August 25th 1870, Lt. Cdr Fyffe donned his best uniform and strapped his sword to his travel kit. He walked out of the base at East London and headed west for San Francisco. By sundown he reached East Haddem where he sent the following telegram to the Bureau Chief: 25 August – “Compliance orders number 1998 en route New London to San Francisco on foot. This telegram to keep you informed of my whereabouts. Made good 22 miles to date; spending night in hayloft in Mount Parnassus."

Every evening for the next few days he sent a similar telegram. On the 29th of August he sent the following telegram; “Continuing en route on foot. Made 28 miles this day despite badly worn boots. People in these parts are not familiar with Navy uniform a great crowd walked part of the way with me. I sang them some sea shanties. The populace thinks it is a great sign of democracy for a commanding officer of a ship to walk the 3000 miles to take up his new appointment. The local police chief has given me the best cell in his jail for the night."

On the 30th of August he sent a further message. “En route: on foot. Have arrived Albany;  requesting local Recruiting Officer, to be authorised to issue me with new shoes. Boots fell apart at noon today. I entered Albany barefooted; will remain at the Seward Hotel two days awaiting answer. Earning my keep as a bartender. Local rum far superior to that served in the Navy”.

On the 31st of August Lt Cmdr Fyffe received the following message: “I strike my colours. The Secretary of the Navy has authorised Recruiting Officer in Albany to issue you with boots and to provide also, the quickest transportation from Albany to San  Francisco, Even the Chief of Bureau Navigation can laugh when outsmarted”.

Taken from the USS Chicago Reunion (US Cruiser Magazine)'

[Laurentio_da_Olgiate]

The only similar (and remotely funny) thing about the Regia Marina that I know is when then-Captain Alberto Da Zara made a remark to Admiral Cavagnari (Chief of Staff of the Navy, and a no-nonsense kind of guy) about the "suocera" (the mother-in-law in Italian). Cavagnari didn't know what he was talking about, since it had been years since he had had a seagoing command, and Da Zara explained him that it was the nickname the sailors had for the admiral who came to inspect the ship, nosy and unwelcome.

 

There's more. 

On board the torpedo boat Circe, after sinking submarine HMS Tempest. One Italian sailor asks the survivors the name of their submarine. One of the survivors replies: "I won't tell you unless you first tell me the name of this [edited]ship". The Italian answers that the name of the ship is Circe. The British comments: "How ironic to have been sunk by [edited]Churchill!"

 

During the battle of Pantelleria, on 15 June 1942. One British shell hits the wardroom of the cruiser Raimondo Montecuccoli. Written on the wall, there was the unofficial ship's motto: "Centum oculi" (Latin, one hundred eyes). The shell destroys the "O" and thus turns the motto into "Centum culi" (Latin/Italian, one hundred arses).

 

There were also some nicknames.

The naval division formed by the two old cruiser Bari and Taranto was known as "Divisione Ruggine" (the Rust Division).

The forward joint funnel-superstructure block of the heavy cruiser Pola was nicknamed "case popolari" (public housing complex) or "condominio" (apartment complex).

[Historynerd]

 

There's more. 

On board the torpedo boat Circe, after sinking submarine HMS Tempest. One Italian sailor asks the survivors the name of their submarine. One of the survivors replies: "I won't tell you unless you first tell me the name of this [edited]ship". The Italian answers that the name of the ship is Circe. The British comments: "How ironic to have been sunk by [edited]Churchill!"

 

The forward joint funnel-superstructure block of the heavy cruiser Pola was nicknamed "case popolari" (public housing complex) or "condominio" (apartment complex).

 

 

Didn't know this... thanks!

 

(I knew the accident aboard the Montecuccoli, and I had heard about the nickname about the old cruisers, but the others, no).

[Combat_Hamster]

A  little  anecdote,  with some back story  first.  My  dad  was born in 1909,  he  saw the first Zeppelin to be  shot down over England, and listened to the stories from his cousin, who was a W/O on board HMS Lion.  Thus  he  decided to  join  the Royal Navy, which he tried in 1927, unfortunately he didn't have enough teeth..( this is true),  so  joined  the R.A.F..  He was  very proficient with wireless telegraphy, and had obtained his amateur wireless license  before entering the R.A.F..  After a  spell on the Northwest  Frontier in the back seat of a Bristol Fighter...and  being  buried alive in a  major earthquake..he returned home,  ceased  being aircrew and  was transferred to communications.  Good logic so far  employing his skills.  However,  after  falling off a  wireless mast in March 1940 he was sent back from  France  and  upon his recovery  was put  in charge of................................................part of the balloon barrage  at Sheerness..brilliant..but this wasn't all.  He was given  a few  drifters, and a lewis gun.....and the idea was that they would sit in the North Sea..and  if the invasion came  get off a sighting report before  they got  sunk.  On one occasion at night in fog.....a  German destroyer  sailed past  without spotting them.  His Flight  Sergeant pulled the  cover off the lewis gun, slapped on a drum and pointed it at  the German destroyer  and said "shall I open fire  sir?".  My dad hit him in the nose with his tin hat  and said "Don't  be a c......".

 

 

[Kevbar]

This happened during WW2 but I can't find the book that I read it in so can't verify the ship's name or exact circumstance but the gist of the story is true.

 

A solitary RN vessel (Cruiser, Destroyer?) was returning from their patrol area in the North Atlantic when they were spotted by a long range German reconnaissance aircraft. Immediately, the ship's AA gun crews were closed up; the aircraft started circling the vessel but out of range of the AA guns and proceeded to follow the ship in order to maintain contact, the aircraft circling in 1 direction whilst on board the ship the AA gun crews tracked it.

 

After an hour or so of this, the Officer in charge of AA noticed that the AA crews were getting fed up and requested a signal be made to the German aircraft by Aldis lamp.

"Our gun crews are getting bored, please circle the other way" (not verbatim)

 

Immediately, the aircraft reversed course and continued tracking the ship but in the opposite direction.

 

 

[togMOR]

If i´m not mistaken, i read this in Ian Balantynes book WARSPITE, featuring Admiral James Somerville:

 

During WW2, after the retreat to Ceylon, the Eastern Fleet was out at sea and Somerville, aboard his flagship Warspite, ordered by signal "to make 16 knots".

Acknowledged by each vessel in return, one of the escorting Destroyers somehow mixed it up and replied "will make 61 knots".

Witty James quickly signalled back "circle the fleet twice and then take off" ................

[Tuccy]

Hm, nothing like taking a mrning's coffee and scanning Offtopic for a bit of entertainment Thanks for the chuckles and keep them coming!

 

I think I have to try to scan Neptune's Inferno for a signal used by Adm. Lee board USS Washington to get PT Boats from Tulagi called off

[GhostRiderMax123]

 Admiral, conducting bombardment to remainder of Battle Squadron:

"WHO KNOCKED THAT LIGHTHOUSE DOWN AND WHY"

 

Lost it here lol

 

 From one corvette to another in the middle of an Atlantic gale:

-"HAVE JUST SEEN DOWN YOUR FUNNEL. FIRE IS BURNING BRIGHTLY."  

 

and again here